Forget the old wives’ tale that a married woman must
be ever ready to satisfy her husband’s conjugal
rites’ (how archaic!) but when push comes to shove,
must a wife always be her husband’s ‘obedient servant’
in the bedroom? Some months back, two couples were
asked about their mismatched libidos, and how it
affected their marriage.
While one partner claimed to be pretty much always in
the mood, the other often felt pressured to have s*x
when they had little desire to do so. The challenge? For
one month, the couples agreed they’d make love every
time their partner made an advance.
Would this highlight cracks in their relationship or bring
them closer together? Both couples kept diaries for four
weeks.
COUPLE 1: Nathaniel, 38 an architect, and wife,
Motoke, 40, an industrial nurse have been married for
12 years and have three children. While Nathaniel would
like sex every night, Motoke says juggling work and
family has sapped her libido, meaning she’s only in the
mood a couple of times a month.
Their score: Week 1: twice; Week 2: once, Week 3:
once; Week 4: twice. Total: Six times in four weeks.
According to Nathaniel: I’m so excited at the prospect
of being able to make love to my wife more often that,
on the first night, even though I’m shattered after 12
hours at work, my heart is racing as we climb into bed
at 10.30pm; even more thrilling, Motoke actually makes
the first move—I cannot remember the last time that
happened.
I spend all the next day fantasising about what will
happen later, but after a couple of glasses of wine, we
both collapsed into bed and fell asleep.
I’m too tired to
mind. Sex is then off the agenda for a few days as it
was Motoke’s ‘time of the month’, but then she actually
asks if we can go to bed. You bet!
The next week doesn’t start well. I wake up in the mood
when the alarm goes off at 6.30 am, but Motoke
grumbles that she wants to go back to sleep as my
snoring has been keeping her awake. It seems like we’re
back to our old ways. The following evening, I pick up a
meal from our favourite eatery hoping a romantic dinner
might relax her. Later, she’s happy to cuddle but while I
try to initiate love-making she’s clearly tired and things
don’t go any further.
A couple of days later, we go to bed early, at Motoke’s
suggestion, ostensibly to watch TV, but a goodnight kiss
turns into a passionate embrace, and we make love.
The following night, Motoke climbs into bed Unclad,
and is clearly ‘in the mood’ yet I feel so exhausted.
Wow! This is the first time in our married life that I’ve
turned her down. It gives me an insight into how
Motoke must feel all those times I’ve been in the mood
and she hasn’t.
The next two nights, Motoke is out with family friends
but on Saturday evening she tells me we’re definitely on
for tonight. I don’t even have to ask—fantastic. But at
the beginning of the third week, while hurriedly ironing
my shirt for work I somehow manage to catch my
‘manhood’ with the iron —a lesson never to iron until
you’re fully dressed. I can’t even think about sex over
the next couple of days—Motoke appears relieved and
amused. Three days later, we try again but unfortunately
I’m still too sore. I suspect Motoke is a little frustrated,
and that feels great after years of pestering her for sex.
We finally make love a week after the iron incident.
Abstinence seems to have boosted our sexual
appetites, and two nights later, we’re at it again.
Keeping a diary has been great for putting s*x at the
forefront of our minds and not allowing it to slip off our
busy agendas. I love feeling close to my wife and, best
of all, knowing that she now actively wants to make
love to me, rather than just doing it to appease me. It‘s
made us a lot more playful too, which is great as it
doesn’t always happen in a long-standing marriage.
Motoke says: I know there’s no way Nathaniel will pass
up the opportunity on the first night —and I’m surprised
it only lasts for 15 minutes. He was feeling tired.
According to Treasure: Our experiment doesn’t start
well. While I spend the first day excited about the
prospect of guaranteed sex, plans are ruined when our
baby is awake from 10.30pm to 3am. then I’m up with
our other child at 6.30am. The next evening, I’m not
sure I’ll have the energy—but I start caressing Dipo and
very quickly realise the answer is a resounding ‘Yes!’
The following night, he looks resigned when I start
kissing him, though he seems to enjoy himself
afterwards. The night after that, realising he might take
some persuading, I slip into a silky nighties that usually
works. It’s all very passionate, but I’m questioning
whether it feels like a chore for my husband. At least
when we make love normally, I know it’s what he really
wants.
He works so hard on Sundays so he could get through
his back-log of work that I let him off, then spend two
nights with our baby who has tonsillitis.
But once the
baby’s antibiotics kick in, I’m back in the marital bed.
While many women would want to catch up on sleep,
sex actually gives me energy so we make love that
night.
The following evening, we entertain friends for dinner
and I can’t wait to rip his clothes off afterwards. The
following two nights, I’m impatient for him to get home
from work. I know he’s tired but I tell him love-making
is a great way to unwind. But not having to work to get
him into bed feels really strange—I’m missing the
challenge.
My period slows things down a bit in week three. Then I
come home from work to a grumpy husband and I
know that propositioning him may make things worse—
but, after going without for so long, I’m willing to take
the risk so I start kissing him. It pays off.
The s*x is
very passionate. As we enter the final week, I know I
should feel happy that Dipo can’t refuse my advances,
but I’m realising our love-life is not as exciting as it was
—I miss the chase. This experiment has made me
realise how much I enjoy the excitement of not knowing
whether Dipo will or won’t succumb to my s£duct!on
techniques. Perhaps it wasn’t so bad before.
Dipo says: I haven’t been looking forward to this month.
I always enjoy sex but some nights, I’d rather relax in
front of the TV. Of course I oblige under the terms of
our experiment, but after the first few nights, I feel a bit
like a performing dog. To say I’m relieved when
Treasure doesn’t make any advances—the following
night is huge understatement. But when she has to stay
up with the baby, I’m surprisingly disappointed not to be
cuddling up with her in bed.
Once the baby is better, my wife is back on form. It’s
not easy getting in the mood on nights when all I want
to do is sleep, and I even contemplate faking a
headache. When she tells me it’s her ‘time of the
month’ the following week, I feel as happy as if she’s
told me we’d won the lottery!
Like most men, once I get going, I really enjoy it but I
don’t like feeling pressured and, with a demanding job
and two babies, sleep is sometimes more appealing.
Once she’s able to make love again I don’t give in too
easily. Work has been challenging, and so are the
children, so I’m not in a great mood when my wife
starts whispering suggestive things into my ear.
However, I’m glad she made the first move because
what follows proves to be a great stress-reliever.
All the same, I’m glad when I get to the final week. Not
being able to say ‘No’ to sex is beginning to stress me
out — I feel a loss of control not knowing when I’m
going to be asked to perform. It’s a relief when the
challenge ends. Sex should be fun, not a chore. Now
I’m going to make her wait a whole week before making
love to her again.
About the Author:
Bunmi Sofola is a seasoned writer, s*x/relationship
expert and columnist for Vanguard.
