Feminist Karen Fratti took to the website redbookmag.com to
speak out about her experience living with HIV. In her write
up, she said she's slept with over 100 men just when she was
in her 20s. Wow! Read below...
I was living in New York City with a boyfriend I’ll call
Matt when I was diagnosed with HIV. I was 28 and he
was just hitting 35. It was my first steady, long-term
relationship, and we did what I used to think of as
“grown-up” things. Like having Sunday football parties
or fighting in Home Depot about what color to paint
an accent wall in our living room.
We made complex weekday dinners to distract
ourselves from the fact that we were both pretty
bored with each other.
Of course, I wasn’t really grown up, because I had
never even been tested for HIV at my yearly checkup
at Planned Parenthood, where I went for primary care.
Taking care of your health is more adult than playing
house with a boyfriend, yet, even though I had been
tested for STIs, I had never thought of getting an HIV
test. But one day, randomly, I added the HIV rapid
test to the list of things to do before intake to my pap
smear appointment. I thought it was a formality I
should finally take care of.
The positive result almost didn’t compute at first.
What does that mean? I kept asking the nurse who
took me upstairs at the Margaret Sanger Center in the
East Village for a second blood test to confirm the
rapid test result. I was in shock that simply sleeping
with probably close to a hundred men throughout my
20s — in college, in Rome, Italy, where I lived for five
years, in New York City upon my return — and not
being strict about using condoms could have such a
serious consequence. I grew up during the HIV/AIDS
crisis and should have known better, but as a
heterosexual woman, I equated safe sex with not
getting pregnant more than with getting an STI, let
alone HIV. I know how that sounds. It’s embarrassing
to admit that now, but I really did ignorantly think sex
was all fun and games. For me, “dating” was basically
a euphemism for casual sex. I had no type, no goal,
really, and a bad one-night stand was just as much as
fun as one that turned into a mini-romantic fling. I
naively thought I was invincible, that one day a
hookup would lead to true Disney princess-style love,
and never assumed that HIV would have anything to
do with my life.
After my diagnosis, Matt and I stopped making dinner
together, speaking to each other and sleeping in the
same bed. (He was negative and had been getting
tested his entire life.) We broke up within the year.
There was a positive aspect to my HIV, though I
didn’t know that then. It woke me up and made me
realize what I needed and wanted from a partner.
Matt had never been a good match for me, really; my
diagnosis just shined a spotlight on that. The only bad
thing about breaking up with Matt was the realization
that I would have to start dating again. But when
you’re the kind of person who equates dating with
dinners, drinks and casual sex, HIV can put a real
damper on all that.
